Friendship. It’s risky business. Especially in leadership.
Friends have carried me through the toughest of times, but maybe like you, I have also known the sting of a friend’s betrayal. It started in 1stgrade, when my BFF told the whole class about my 2ndgrade crush. I came into the classroom and heard giggles erupting from every corner of the room, only to look up and see a huge heart on the chalkboard with our names in big bold letters written inside. Thanks, friend.
We aren’t kids any more, and a friend’s betrayal hurts more now. Last month, I did a quick survey to find out how people feel about friendship. About 450 people participated in answering 5 simple questions, and I think the results pretty accurately reflect our general feelings about friendship.
- 11% (of you) said that when they hear the word “friend”, they feel sad and lonely.
- 25% said they don’t have any friends that they can be real with.
- 22% said they were lonely most of the time.
- 42% said they are guarded with friends because of past hurts.
Yes, rejection and hurt are both real risks in friendship. And it’s obvious that past hurts can affect our willingness to risk friendship. Facing hurt at some point isa sure thing. I know that some of you after a few hard experiences are thinking… “It’s not worth it.”
But please hear me out. I’ve been there. I get it. And I have my reasons also:
- My schedule makes it hard and people don’t understand this.
- Being a pastor makes friendship complicated
- Regardless of how many people are coming in, when people leave the church it feels personal, and it might be. Wall built.
- People see me as their leader and it’s hard to be vulnerable.
- I can’t share some of the toughest struggles I face in the church, because only people who have done this would be objective or understand, so I feel cut off.
- I have to protect people.
However, what challenges me is this – the Bible has a few things to sayabout friendship. Ecclesiastes 4:12(MSG) “12 By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst.”
Don’t give up on friendship. We need friends. We think keeping people at a distance protects us, yet by doing this we are actually left vulnerable. One of the enemy’s greatest strategies is to isolate us and keep us apart. It’s easier to pick us off that way. Don’t let that happen. And, don’t let that happen to a friend.
What Does Jesus Say About Friendship?
John 15:15-19 (MSG) “15 … This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve named you friends…”
Reboot your love capacity.
Love is used to describe everything from our favorite ice cream to our soul mate. The word has been diluted to an emotion we feel, rather than a choice we make. Jesus told us to love how HE loves. So how did He love? He loved us knowing that we would hurt, betray and turn our backs on Him. His love for us was not based on our response to Him or filled with weighty expectations of what He could get in return for that love. It was love without strings attached.
When we hold back love based on past hurtful experiences, friendship gets reduced to only what we can get rather than what we can give. A friendship based on unconditional love is risky, but so freeing too. It is so refreshing to have friends that love me unconditionally, and don’t get offended when I can’t hang out or forget to text back in 30 seconds. (Yes, some almost put this level of expectations on their friends!)Jesus’ kind of love leads to breathable friendships, devoid of heavy expectations. These kinds of friendships are so refreshing, and make me want to invest even more into that friendship. I want to be that kind of friend too. Loving my friends like Jesus did, without conditions. It’s risky to love like Jesus did, but the risk is SO worth the reward.
Get out your eraser.
Jesus says in these verses that He “puts His life on the line for his friends”. In today’s culture, we draw lines and boundaries around our heart, keeping our hearts safely protected from possible threats, hurts and disappointments. We quickly cut off friends that hurt our feelings in any way. We passionately defend these protective boundaries. And we preach it like it’s Gospel. But is it? I realize that I have listened to culture a little here. I have been guarded at times, pushing people away because I have experienced rejection or betrayal, and I don’t want to go through that again. I know there can be Biblical reasons to draw these lines (“stay away from an angry person” etc.),but we have to be so careful to line things up with the Word of God, not just to what feels right emotionally.
Putting our life on the line for our friends will force us to erase some personal boundaries. It will cost us time, resources and emotion. And we might get hurt in the process. It will force us to have some brave conversations, and say these words, “you hurt my feelings” rather than just cut off any friend that hurts us. If we want to experience the kind of friendship Jesus describes, we must get an eraser out, erase those boundaries and take that risk. We must have those brave conversations and let down our guard.
Show your kitchen sink… dirty dishes and all.
Jesus tells us that we can know we are His friends because He has ‘let us in’ on what He’s heard from the Father. Jesus shows us that friendship requires letting people in. Let’s be real: letting people in means risking our emotional security. It’s terribly unsafe, so we get tempted to stay in the shallow end of friendship. Casual talk, superficial conversations about the weather, work/school or the kids. We allow people into our formal front room that stays tidy and put together, never allowing people in far enough to see the kitchen sink and the dirty dishes – the real life we are living. We share about the deal we got at Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale, but we don’t let people in to see our marriage that is struggling. Or the depression that is crippling our lives.
When we allow ourselves to stay isolated in our pain and struggles, we miss out on the friendships that can encourage and carry us through those struggles. Remember the verse, “With a friend you can face the worst”? Don’t miss this reward in friendship!
Risk it again.
When we risk little, we gain little. In the 21stcentury, technology allows us to risk less and less socially. Friendship used to require face-to-face communication, which, though high risk, had a high reward of real connection with people. Now, we text because it’s less risky than a phone call. It’s easy to send a ‘friend request’, where the exchange is up there in the cloud somewhere, and it doesn’t really hurt too much if we get rejected, but the reward is also less valuable and significant.
But what do we need when we have a true crisis in our lives? We need someone to TALK to. Without real connections in our lives, we stay closed up, isolated in our pain. I have seen it and experienced it. We come late to church and leave early. We do everything we can to avoid people. We shy away from conversations that might get too personal. But at what cost?
Proverbs 27:9 “Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.”
If we never risk friendship, we will never experience this kind of refreshing joy.
Here are some questions for reflection: Where are you in your friendship journey? Is it time to step out once again and take some risk and let your guard down? Do you need to let go of heavy expectations that drain your friendships? Have you put boundaries around your heart that God wants to tear down? What could you gain by listening to Jesus’ words to us to love like He does?
I promise you this, if Jesus is truly at the center of your friendships, He won’t allow you to isolate yourself. Over and over again, He will give you opportunity to build friendships that are true, safe and bring you joy.
Love you friends,
Donna xo
