If it was about you.

This might surprise some of you, but there was a time I actually refused to lead worship. Years ago, when we first started ministry, before the crowds and the recordings, I was asked to step up and lead worship. I refused. I loved playing piano and singing to support the worship leader, but that was good enough for me. Truthfully, my normal flow was, leave me alone on the piano for hours, worshiping in the presence of the Lord, and writing songs no one may ever hear – that was my comfort zone, and where I always imagined I would remain. However, to truly surrender your life to God’s will, means that comfort can no longer rule over your calling.

The first year that we led the youth conference at our church, God spoke to my husband that it was time for me to lead worship. The first night of the conference our regular worship leader led, and was as usual, AMAZING. Anointed. Powerful. The next night was ‘my night’ to lead but I barely made it through the rehearsal. As the rehearsal started, fear, or insecurity, or pride, or all three, suddenly appeared out of nowhere, like giants staring me down. I lost the staring contest. I always loved the stories of David, how he would sit in the field alone with the sheep and write Psalms. I related to that part of David. Never, however, did I expect my first Goliath to come from inside my own heart.

I wrapped up rehearsal with a quick prayer and ran out. I panicked. To make things worse, I could see youth and young adults pouring through the doors, coming in from all over the northwest. Excitement was building in the room and God was already starting to move. I could feel my insecurities growing by the minute. As I watched, they just kept coming… the room was packed, standing room only. We had about 15 minutes until the service was going to start, and I made the decision. I couldn’t do it. Literally. I ran to the usher’s room in the back of the auditorium and hid in the dark, crying, with no plan. THEY would have to figure out worship. There were so many people who could jump in last minute… they didn’t need me.

And so there I sat in the dark with tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed. I self-pitied. I was convinced that I would let everyone down, especially since the night before was so powerful. I rehearsed my familiar narratives, “I’m not as cool as the other guy, I could never lead worship like him, I’m not good enough or experienced enough, people will think I can do it and then see that I can’t, I am going to be humiliated.” As I failed to push past my emotions, I had no idea that in that moment, God, was about to do a life-changing work in my heart. And, on this particular day, as hard as it was to hear, God used my incredible husband Doug, as His instrument.

As I bawled out my woes to the Lord in the dark, I heard someone rattle the doors. I desperately prayed that they wouldn’t come in and find me. Then I heard Doug’s voice, “Donna, are you in here? We need to start!” I think he thought I was just praying for anointing, ha. I stayed quiet for a few seconds, and then couldn’t stop myself from responding. “I can’t do it! I’m not doing it. Have someone else lead. I’m not good enough.” He walked over, looked at me and then with love, but also with a sense of conviction, said these words…

“If it was about you, that would matter.”

I gasped. I thought I would get a HUG, and an encouraging ‘you can do it’ at least. I’m pretty sure steam came out of my ears, as I flushed with anger at his insensitivity. Then… he added insult to injury. “You have 5 five minutes to wipe your tears and get yourself together, we will start as soon as you are there.” And with that, he walked out, leaving me alone again in the dark corner of the usher’s room. How could he? How dare he? And yet, in that moment the Holy Spirit spoke so loudly to my heart, “Did you hear what he said?” In that instant, the scary revelation that I had made it about me landed like a thud.

My worship hero, David, was the greatest worship leader in the Bible, and was anointed not because of who he was, but because he was focused on who God was. The blaring difference between David and I was that David didn’t make it about himself. Ouch. He faced that giant with saving God’s people in mind. He wasn’t thinking about himself, or surely he never would have stepped onto that field to face Goliath. David illustrates for us that what we fear, we ultimately give authority to. He feared the Lord, therefore he feared not defending his God and his people. He feared the Lord more than he feared the giant or what people thought about him! If we give into fear or insecurity, then we are focusing on our abilities, or what others think about us, and that fear will ultimately have control over us. It will keep us from ever stepping out.

David had learned from a young age, not to make it about himself. He had also learned that God would be with him wherever he went. He defended his father’s sheep from a lion and a bear – at the risk of his own life. He had been down this road before. To defend God’s people with no concern for his own safety, was just an extension of that same mindset. David marched up to that giant with a God-confidence, rather than a self-confidence.

That night, as I wiped my tears, my perspective shifted. I realized that by allowing this fear and insecurity to rule me, I was making the focus about me. God showed up that night. I will never forget it. The sight of thousands of young people weeping in the presence of Jesus. I was humbled. I still feel that way.

I had to learn that stepping into new things with a God-confidence, doesn’t mean I am stepping out in pride. In fact, quite the opposite. Humility doesn’t mean we shrink back, it means we do what God has called us to do, regardless of what we feel or what people think. And regardless of the outcome or our success. If we obey when God calls, He backs us up where He has called us to go. Every single time. He wants to use us, yes, but when it is about Him, He gets the glory. I love what C.S. Lewis said,

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

Consider these words a nudge. What are your familiar narratives? Are you resisting because you’re afraid you can’t do it, or you can’t do it as well as someone else? Is this new territory for you? Does change scare you? But, it’s not about you. It’s about what God wants to do through you. It’s so much more than you can see right now. I’ll leave you with these verses…

1 Samuel 17:33-37 “33 Saul replied, ‘You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.’ 34But David said to Saul, ‘Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, 35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. 36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37 The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.’”